When you think of a college student maintaining her focus during school, you think of all the distractions. The other students, the activities, facebook, and anything else that draws her attention from studying. One of my biggest distractions is the little voice inside my head, or the internal noise. It is the thoughts and feelings that compete for my attention and interfere with my communications with others. This voice has not only affected me in college but in high school too. Now that I am away at college and without my twin sister, the voice has grown louder. I’d like to learn how to control the volume or find the off/on switch.
Having someone who completely understands me and listens to everything I have to say, is something that cannot be duplicated. Brittany, my twin sister, is the backboard to all my decisions, and what she thinks has always been a factor. Every thought I had, Brittany heard. I would tell her everything. Being separated by two states (Brittany is in college in Colorado) makes it hard for me to tell her every little detail. Now that I am at school I have friends, but no one I feel is close enough to tell my every thought. Keeping all of this to myself has made the little voice inside my head continuous, an on going conversation with myself. This makes it hard for me to stay focused in class. The little conversations I would have with my sister go on when my teacher is lecturing. “I wonder what Brit is bringing home for break? Wow, I am going to fall asleep. This kid in front of me needs a new deodorant. Oops, there goes my pencil, it would roll all the way to the front of the class.” This competition for my attention has really made it difficult for me to remember what happened during class.
So this first semester has been hard adjusting to college life but what has been even harder has been the transition to being alone without Brittany.
I think the internal chatter started when I was little, with my very active imagination and playing “pretend”. Even though I am a twin and process all my thoughts through my sister, I generally kept quiet. I am shy when it comes to big groups and meeting new people. In high school when people would socialize during class I was in my own little world. I wouldn’t call my internal conversations daydreaming but rather the making of an on going to-do list. You would think that I should write the list down to get it out of my head, but it does not help. The list is constantly being repeated and modified.
In high school I was able to succeed even with minimal focus, but in college more is required. On top of the increased work load in college and the large amount of information I need to retain. I don’t have, Brittany, my sounding board. This makes the voice inside my head louder.
My mind tends to wonder most during my Western Civ class. I sit in the back next to the window, I fade in and out listening to my professor. I stare blankly out on to the quad. As I completely escape the classroom I begin to run though the list of tasks I need to do. As this mental list continually flows, thoughts branch off from the items on my list and I think of home. When I think of home I calculate the days till I can go there. As of today it is three days and counting. The thought of home takes me to my family, the people I love the most. The people I most enjoy spending time with. “My mom, with whom I sit and talk with in the morning. My dad who shares my love of volleyball and
knows more stats then I do. My little brother who you drives me up the wall with his evil grin. My younger teenager sister who spends more time in front of the mirror, but I miss her little antics. The larger family gathering at my grandmothers house. All the cousins running around, the large meals. Man, do I want to go home!” The vicious cycle continues until I realize class is about to end. On the positive side these little mind vacations I take make me feel far less homesick.
Transitioning to college is different for everyone. Most students complain about the internal noise when they are reading. My roommate says when she gets a reading assignment she begins to read and then starts to think about other things like what she is doing this weekend. Once they have read a page or two they realize that they have not retained any of the information they have just read. Then they have to reread it. This happens to me every time I have a reading assignment. I will end up thinking about something totally unnecessary like what I want to wear the next day. There she goes again taking control of my head.
The most frustrating of internal “disturbances” is when I am having a conversation with someone and my mind is having another conversation, and for me conversing with someone else is a big deal. When my head does not what to participate this is not helpful. When this happens I end up saying “what?” and staring off into space. Then the other person either stops talking or looks back at me like I am crazy. This not helpful when trying to meet new people in college or anywhere. I am afraid hardly anyone else experiences this type of mental conflict that comes with being a twin.
Brittany and I have never been separated for this long. We did everything together in high school. We played volleyball together, we drove to school together, we ate lunch together. I never had to go anywhere alone. I had permanent company,
always someone to talk to, a built in BFF. It has taken me three months, but I finally feel comfortable eating in the COG alone. This is the prefect opportunity for my mind to really wonder. There is something about being alone that makes me feel confident, something that sounds silly but has been difficult for me. This lack of self-confidence is what the little voice in my head is constantly pointing out to me. Always worrying if people are laughing at me, looking at me funny, am I going to trip, is there something on my back, the list goes on and on. In just the last three months I have become more comfortable with being myself. I have not obtained total self-confidence but I am getting there one step at a time.
Internal noise is not only thoughts but feelings that compete for my attention. Some feelings that have interfered with my conversations were those that I felt for a boy. Never before had I been aware of a boy liking me. This was big, as cheesy as that sounds! For a six foot two redheaded twin in high school, where boys are immature and short, boyfriends are hard to come by. When I met someone here who seemed to like me, it was difficult for me to stay focused on the conversation when he interacted with me. I had no control over my feelings and no experience. That crush didn’t last long on his part, doing nothing for my self-esteem. I realize that I am my own toughest critic with judgements and opinions rattling on inside my head. It has been suggested that I tell this voice to be QUIET.
I realize now, that talking to my twin, Brittany has been my way of processing. Sharing everything helped me hear my own thoughts and come to some conclusions about decisions and directions for things as simple as what to wear or as
important as where to go to college. Missing her has rocked my system. I am having to find a new way to process and know my own wants, needs, beliefs and plans for the future. Even if the future is what to eat for lunch.
For all of my life before college, having this partner, my twin, made things easier. Now I feel like I’m catching up to the rest of the world in learning to be and think independently. There is no doubt I miss Brittany. I can hear her answer me in my mind when I talk to her with my ever-streaming thoughts. The thing is, in order for me to be in any given day in any given place, I will have to learn to save my conversations with my twin until I am actually talking to her. I’m sure by the end of winter break, I will have had a good enough dose of “what Brittany thinks,” to look forward to working things out for myself. Thank goodness for Skype!
The little voice inside my head has taken over since I have arrived at Gonzaga University. This internal noise is starting to quiet down so I can have a more successful second semester. Compared to other college students I may have a more active voice in my head. I should, there are two of us!
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